10 overheard jokes from the High Plains Comedy Festival

Over the weekend, the High Plains Comedy Festival gathered 100 elite, invited standup comedians from Denver and around the country for three days of laughs along South Broadway in Denver’s Baker neighborhood. At 10 years old, it is now Colorado’s largest and longest-running comedy festival.

Here are 10 random overheard jokes heard along the way:

1. Victoria Vincent: “I am a healthcare worker, and I was told by my boss, ‘You have to stop telling people you hate Jared Leto.' Because ... why? Well … what if it is important to their care? I mean, you never know what cures cancer.”

2. Usama Siddiquee: “I’m from Texas. I don’t sound like it – because I learned to read.”

3. Mishka Shubaly: “I’m polyamorous. That means I love cats and dogs equally.” 

4. Graham Kay: “Once you reach age 35, you are not allowed to go on vacation alone. It creeps everybody out.”

5. Josh Blue: You all realize that magic isn’t real, right? That’s why they call it ‘a trick.’ The other day, my son said, ‘I’m going to show you a trick,’ and I said, ‘Not in this house! We have some dignity in this house! ‘I’m going to show you a trick’ is something a pimp says.’ I’d rather my son be a pimp than a magician.”

6. Beth Stelling: “I might have kids someday. I don’t know. Right now, I don't have time to come home and let them out.”

7. Hayden Kristal: “I was told as a child that I am autistic, but I don’t know. I think there are types of autism. If you are born with it, then that’s Type 1 Autism. Type 2 Autism is like Type 2 Diabetes – it’s lifestyle-induced. For example, if you have a lot of online role-playing experiences, that is Type-2 Autism.”

8. Katie Hannigan: “My boyfriend and I just went to a destination wedding. … Yeah, it was in Hell.”

9. Daniel Van Kirk: “Do you know how they first got roads in Boston? They just paved where the horses walked. True story. And that’s why they’re all so angry.”

10. Katrina Davis: Why does every hot guy need a Neti Pot?” 

Bonus: The 'Welcome to Denver' DIA Train Voice

“Hi, I am Adam Cayton-Holland, comedian from The Grawlix! A lot of people don't know this, but Denver is home to the Colorado Rockies, the league’s only Make-A-Wish professional baseball team! That’s right, an entire major-league franchise made up entirely of incapable sick and dying amateurs. And that includes the front office! So, go have a drink at Coors Field – a bar built around a diamond – and see what baseball looks like when no one knows what the (bleep) they're doing. Suck my (bleep), Dick Monfort! Welcome to Denver.”

Bonus: ‘Boi Crazy’

“Boi Crazy” is a podcast within a podcast (“The Grawlix Saves the World”) hosted by the Denver comedy superteam of Ben Roy, Andrew Orvedahl and Adam Cayton-Holland. In their ‘Boi Crazy’ segments, these three straight fortysomething dads semi-earnestly appraise the relative hotness of pop culture’s hottest hunks. For example, they once embarked on a purely nonsexual research study of the comparative hunkiness between members of NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys.

For a special High Plains Comedy Festival edition of “Boi Crazy,’” the comedy trio, along with guest panelists Troy Walker and Sean Patton, assessed the headshots submitted by all participating (male) festival comics. The hottest was determined to be David Gborie. Here are three samples of the photographic observations made by the panelists:

• “This picture screams: ‘Payless Shoes presents Wes Anderson!’” –  Ben Roy on comedian Kevin O’Brien (left above)

• “There are a lot of women from the 1970s who are hiding a photo just like that from their husbands.” –  Ben Roy on comedian Jeff Stonic (center above)

• “That is a Silver Fox just waiting to happen.” – Ben Roy on comedian Matteo Lane (right above)

• “You could jimmy open a locked car door with that chin” – Adam Cayton-Holland, also on Matteo Lane

Bonus Photo Joke:

A fashion self-assessment by comedian Rafe Williams: “I’m a pretty progressive guy, despite what your eyes are telling you right now. It does look like I stormed the Capitol.”